There has been so much grieving in the last year, grieving that I could not ameliorate. I want to comfort those at home and abroad in the pain they feel, and these are the words that have come to mind.  I hope that someone, somewhere is comforted by them.

I understand that you are grieving right now, and it hurts like hell.  You may feel a burning pain in your chest.  You may feel like weeping and gnashing your teeth.  You may feel frozen and isolated.  It hurts so much it seems overwhelming.  In your despair, you must remember this most important fact, that YOU ARE LOVED.

That may seem trivial at the moment, but I assure it is not.  Love is indeed the most powerful of forces.  Love can cause an individual to ignore his own survival instincts to protect a spouse or child.  Love can cause someone to work against their own self-interests to preserve and protect the interests of others.  Love can help someone who has grown up in poverty surrounded by crime and despair to graduate from high school, to attend college.  Love can make peace when we want revenge.  Love can hold you through a long and despairing night helping you to just breathe in and out.  Love surrounds even those who can no longer bear to go on.  It is no small thing to say this, that you are loved.  Your love for another, even if unrequited, bears you both up.  The love of community helps us to strengthen the weak and improve all lives.  

But the greatest love is from the Father.  It is completely and totally unconditional, and no action you can take will drive it away.  It bears your doubt, and your anger, and your tears.  Pour out your humanness into this ocean of love, and it will continue to surround you, to hold you, each day.  While the load you bear now is heavy and the pain you endure is great, remember always that …

You Are Loved.

We all need a little Chemistry

When I started taking Tamoxifen as a necessary post-cancer treatment, my doctor told me I needed to stop taking Zoloft as it would interfere.  I had been feeling pretty good, so I didn't mind.  Within a month however, I was sinking into depression.
The rational side of brain was perfectly happy.  I knew that I had a loving family, a comfortable home, a job that I loved, and wonderful coworkers.  Yet all I wanted to do was crawl up in a ball on the couch and sleep.  I felt I was always on the verge of breaking into tears.  This was not something I was going to talk myself out of.  No amount of kind words or reminders of caring were going to make a difference.  I rarely smiled and never laughed.  I was just trying to hold it all together.  As awful as I felt, there were no thoughts of "If only..." or "I want...." Mostly I was just thinking, "It doesn't matter."  Most of all I didn't want to have to take an anti-depressant.  I didn't want to be dependent.
After talking to my pastor and my doctor, I got a prescription for something that would not interfere with my meds.  Within hours I was no longer on the verge of tears.  Within a few days, my husband noticed the difference in posture and demeanor.
Depression is a medical problem.  Don't let our culture's attitude toward mental health keep you from getting the help you need.  If you are depressed, see your doctor.  If psychotherapy or adjusting your diet will help, great!  Do that!  Bust just as a diabetic needs insulin, some people need medication to correct a problem with the brain's chemistry.  If you need meds, take them.  If they aren't helping, talk to your doctor about getting them adjusted.
It sucks to need medication.  But it doesn't make you weak and it doesn't make you crazy.  It makes you grown-up enough to do what it takes to be there for your loved ones.

Why is it that girls love horses and dolphins?

    I remember hearing a radio commentary about this new obsession with Disney Princesses.  I am going to leave that topic alone.  Part of the commentary though noted that girls seem to love horses and dolphins in addition to princesses.  It's true.  Not across the board, but my daughters both love "My Little Pony" and dolphins, and the Girl Scouts I work with seem to like horses as well.

This is my theory.  Now, bare in mind that I do not have any sort of psychological background, but it seems to ring true.

     Dolphins and horses (and the related unicorns) embody both power and beauty at the same time.  Girls are often given the message that it is important to be pretty, something not entirely within their control.  They are also often given the message that seeking or having power is not feminine and therefore detracts from beauty.  These animals are strong and yet maintain their beauty.
     A reading of Rosalind Wiseman's Queen Bees and Wannabes had me thinking about what the ideal woman is.  The picture fluctuates when seen through the lens of potential mates, parents, children, and friends.  The elusive characteristic of "femininity" does seem to be always part of the picture.  Women are supposed to be beautiful and often "sexy" is desired.  They are to be in control of their emotions and, for some, able to manipulate the emotions of others.  This seems to be society's idea of power in women: deception and manipulation.
     I think that we should pay attention to horses and dolphins though.  Girls are drawn to them because they embody the characteristics many girls wish to see in themselves.  If we pay attention, we can allow girls to redefine what it is to be feminine in a way that is neither demeaning nor scandalous.

Friendliness
    In describing horses or dolphins, girls will often talk about how friendly the animals are.  Dolphins seem to have a grin permanently plastered on their faces.  Honest cheerfulness in others inspires positive feelings and a desire to be social.  Friendliness encourages us to let our guards down and enjoy ourselves.  Yet as adults, especially in the working world, too much smiling, laughing, or chatting is seen as not taking the work seriously.  Girls are drawn to animals that allow them to feel happy without guilt, without the sense of loss of duty.
     These are social creatures that seek out and respond to interaction.  Horses in particular invite touch.  Physical touch among men is somewhat taboo, but many women and girls find embraces and cuddles stress relieving and spiritually rebuilding.  It is a way of connecting with others to ground oneself, to assure that you are in the same place.  Yet as women are encouraged to take their place as equals among men, they are often encouraged to adopt more masculine social interactions, which removes touch beyond the firm handshake from non-intimate relationships.  A horse will encourage pats, strokes, and gentle squeezes when many humans will not.
     Girls will often describe how they can tell a beloved animal anything.  This role as a confidant is important.  Many girls work out struggles verbally.  They need to be able to say things aloud in order to hear how they sound and decide if they believe them.  Like trying on clothes at a store, they may try on an idea and decide that it doesn't fit.  Animals will not repeat these words to others or frame them in the wrong context.  Because girls are often taught that their power is in manipulation through the use of information and feelings, they are easily lured into gossip and breaking of confidences.  Yet girls seem to recognize that an ideal friend is loyal and responsive.
     Of course dogs can also be quite friendly, so this is not the extent of the appeal.

Power
     Who doesn't love power?  Girls are no exception.  Strength means independence, freedom, courage, speed, and the admiration of others.  As gentle and loving as horses may be, they are among the strongest animals that work closely with humans.  We describe engines of cars and even planes in terms of "horse power".  Horses have power that works with, not against, the needs of humans.
     Dolphins too are quite powerful.  Their ability to launch themselves in the air and their agility in the water are renowned.  Yet for all of this strength and power, these creatures are no less beautiful.  Girls may be given the message that if they pursue athletics too vigorously, particularly sports that will build muscle, that they will be less attractive to boys.  This ability of horses and dolphins to remain both strong and beautiful can seem almost mystical when theses characteristics seem to be mutually exclusive for women.  Yet if we look closely, it is the strength and power that inspire the admiration of the physical form. Dolphins are submerged and the only way we can admire their form is when they use their power to appear above the surface.  Horses are bred for their stature and musculature.  The image of a horse running at top speed with its main blowing in the wind is one of the most appealing ways to envision a horse.
    With this strength comes the power of self-determination.  Even horses kept in captivity are given large fields in which to roam and graze.   Dolphins migrate around the world.  These are animals that cannot be kept in a box or a cage.  How appealing it must be to any child to have the ability to choose your path and to be strong enough and brave enough to take that path with confidence.

Non-violence
    For as much strength as horses and dolphins have, they are not typically violent creatures.  Sharks are every bit as strong as dolphins, yet we do not fear dolphins biting us.  Unlike deer, moose, elk, and even goats, horses do not have horns for fighting with.  While both horses and dolphins can defend themselves, they do not display their power through violence.  How appealing for a young lady, the idea that she does not have to fight, hit, scratch, or hurt to be powerful!

Service
     It seems logical that anyone or anything that serves us would inspire us to like it.  When my washing machine works well, it saves me a great deal of time and energy, so I am glad I have it.  Yet I don't have posters of appliances all over my walls.  Horses and dolphins are both animals that help humans.  Horses in particular are quite useful.  But perception is everything.  Their interactions with people may make it seem that they have the desire to be helpful.  While my washing machine must run when I turn it on, a horse is so powerful, surely it only helps me if it wants to, right?  Whether or not this is in fact true, horses respond to the slightest of prompts for the purpose of helping humans without the constant need for reward.  Dolphins on the other hand have been known to spontaneously help humans.  Many are the stories of people, particularly children, rescued at sea by dolphins.  These animals were not trained or rewarded.  They were not whipped or led by reins.  The point here is that these animals appear to help us of their own free will.  Their eagerness to serve is admired by men and girls alike.  While sometimes the desire to help others is admired among humans, within the working culture, ambition is more often rewarded.  It is not just the CEO who gains admiration, but also those who have a drive, a strong desire to get ahead.  All others are deemed "lazy."  In dolphins and horses, girls can find a creature who is admired not for its dissatisfaction for where it is, but rather its desire to help others succeed.

Companionship
     For all of these non-masculine characteristics (beauty, cheerfulness, service), men admire horses.  In westerns the horse is seen as the faithful companion of the rider.  No, they are not seen as equals, it is true, but they are not condescended to as other animals are.  Men will talk to, touch, work with, and thank a horse.  Men respect horses.  If a man can respect an animal that is so different from himself, surely he can respect a human as an equal even if she does not embody the same characteristics as a man.  Surely women should not have to choose between being feminine and being equal.

     So if little girls could tell women what it is to be feminine, which characteristics they would most like to embody as adults, they might very well put beauty at the top of the list like the rest of society.  But I believe they also would want to be respected for (not in spite of) their strength, courage, friendliness, loyalty, cheerfulness, independence, and service.  We should stop telling girls to act more like men and encourage them to be the wonderful things they already desire to be.  A company with employees that are empowered to work creatively and independently for the good of the company and the good of society can be just as successful as a company that encourages competition and ambition.  We should encourage girls to seek out ways to express their power without violence, either physical or emotional.  Girls should know that it is okay to feel deeply, and that this does not make them weak.  In fact they can use this as a reservoir of power, a way to fuel passion that will give strength.  We should tell girls that their power lies not in manipulation but in their ability to use their strength in ways that are honest and true to their natures.

Why Me?

Things should get better from here.  Last August I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and last week I had my last chemo treatment, the last time my doctors will pump poison in to me.

When I was diagnosed, I had several people offer their ears.  “Sometimes you just need to vent!”  I waded through the anxiety and fear.  I cried tears upon tears.  Then I waited for the anger, the “Why Me, God?”  It didn’t come.  I learned that with proper treatment there was no reason I shouldn’t survive, and the panic subsided.  I was not angry.  I gritted my teeth for when I would lose my hair, which has been so much part of my identity.  It came out, and I was sad, but not angry.

Then one afternoon as my husband Peter brought me something to drink on the couch, I thought of my mom, also a breast cancer survivor.  When she was going through this, she lived alone.  How did she make it through the effects of chemo by herself, making her own meals, keeping her own house?  When I mentioned my mom’s situation to a friend she said, “but you have children to take care of!”  I thought of the friend who went through breast cancer with two toddlers, one with special needs, not like my self-sufficient big girls.  I thought of the single mothers who could be going through this, or the women without half a dozen friends willing to lend an ear.  I didn’t ask, “Why me, God?”  I began to think, “Why not me?” 

Why not me?  When I talked to my department chair, he said, “Just let me know what you need.”  When I went to the Provost to figure out my work schedule, before she said anything, she hugged me and cried.  Then we proceeded to find a way to cover my classes, my committees, and my other responsibilities.  Not everyone has a job with such flexibility or employers with such caring and motivation to preserve them.  My teaching allowed me to work (and thus not go crazy!) when I could, and allow others to take over when I couldn’t.  My job also provides me with health insurance, which has allowed us to absorb this time without too much of a shock.

Then there are my students.  Dozens of students who told me they are praying for me.  The student who anonymously sent me a scarf.  The student who told me that he looked to me as a role model on days he didn’t feel like going to class.  The students who didn’t mind my running a meeting while lying on a couch.  The students who sent cards, and notes, and didn’t flinch when I didn’t cover my head.

Why not me?  This has been a bumpy exhausting road, but it is only for a season.  I continue to walk and teach, to read stories to my kids, to sing, and all for the most part pain free.  There are people who deal with the frustration of not being able to communicate easily their whole lives.   There are young people in the prime of their lives who suffer accidents paralyzing them.  There are people who live in constant pain.  For a time, I am sick.  If it had to be someone, why not me?

Perhaps I should ask, why me, God?  I cannot presume to know the answer.  But I am someone who needed to know the love of those around me abounds, and I found that I can depend on others.  I needed to know that losing my hair wouldn’t mean losing what I like about myself.  Chemo has been a fascinating lesson for me in the wonder of how God creates our bodies.  Perhaps God knew I would appreciate more the sense of touch on my scalp, the fine motor skills of my fingers, the complexity of my digestive system, and the insulating power of body hair.  The timing of shedding and renewal of cells is perfectly arranged.  This is a comfort to me, because it reminds me that God is in charge.  And above all, what I needed to know was that I am not in charge.

My body is broken; my soul is strong

My body is broken.
My tender skin whines at a light touch; my chapped lips crack painfully with a smile.
With each inhale my nose seems to crinkle in anticipation of the next bleed.
My tongue will not taste food, but wraps around the texture of morsels reminiscent of sand and twigs
Wounds of five weeks ago are arrested in time, red and refusing to further heal
My broken body refuses to take nourishment from food, hydration from water.  It all passes quickly through.
When I want to move, my body is leaden and weary.
When I want to rest my body groans with aches or fidgets and races.
My body will not grow hair or healing cells, or taste buds.
My body replicates invasive unwanted tumor cells.
My body is broken, but my soul is strong.
My soul rejoices in the sunlight and the changing color of leaves.
My soul rests peacefully in the comfort of being surrounded by love.
My soul hums and sings and dances at the thoughts that can be thought, the ways we can understand.
My soul reaches out an aching heart to those hurting and afraid, and knows that it is strong enough to hold them and comfort them.
My soul is grateful for the sacrifices of those who allowed me education, sustenance, and comfort.
My soul adores the Lord who smiles down on me.
My body is a temple.
I will forgive my broken body so long as it fulfills it's most important task:  housing and protecting my soul.
I will cleanse and nourish my body, though it rejects this supply.
I will gently stretch and strengthen the crying muscles.
I will rest the tattered limbs which refuse to heal themselves.
I will care for the brokenness knowing that my soul my soul my soul is safe and strong.

Teaching opposing "scientific" views

The introduction was easier to write than the second post.  I have so many ideas floating around that I need to work out, I am not sure which to address first.
    I have heard of legislation that science teachers treat controversial topics as just that... controversial, permitting students to thoughtfully consider multiple perspectives on an issue and draw their own conclusions.  Now, as a scientist, the idea of testing a theory always has its appeal for me.  I have always felt that institutions that forbid thoughtful examination or questioning of the institutions are inherently weak.  The idea that a government should prohibit it citizens to question the actions or motives of the governing individuals is appalling to me, both as a scientist and as an american.  I extend this to religion when learning of historical pushes by various churches to micromanage belief systems of the people.  So part of me looks at this legislation and thinks, well, duh.

    Yet part of me panics a little inside.  Yes, that's the control freak throwing a fit in there.  Why?  Because there are some issues that are so inflammatory, I'm not sure I trust many people to provide honest evidence that is not dressed up and loaded to drive home a desired point.  Yes, that's right, I don't trust teachers (or anyone really) to be unbiased.

    Let's take the issue of climate change as an example.  Now, there are many different kinds of evidence that are appropriate in different settings.  Different kinds of evidence may carry different weight.  For example, "My kindergartener believes in global warming" is generally not considered as persuasive an argument as "We've had the hottest few summers on record in the past decade!"  However, neither is really an appropriate scientific argument. Al Gore put together a movie on the topic which was designed to educate and persuade.  And perhaps it did persuade many people.  But most of the evidence he provided was selected because it appeals to emotion, has a visual impact, or can easily be put into sound bits to be passed along.  
    Showing a picture of a mountain or glacier from 50 years ago and last summer shouldn't persuade any scientist.  It should make that scientist start asking critical questions:  Were these photos taken at the same time of year?  Was the precipitation similar for each year?  Was the glacier/mountain in a similar state in the years surrounding this photo such that this is "typical" of its era?  There are so many variables!  Circumstantial evidence may at times persuade a jury, but scientists should be persuaded by fair tests which are reviewed, repeatable, and reliable.  A photograph does not fit the bill.
    I believe it is a good exercise to help our youngsters to sort through the kinds of arguments presented to them so they can evaluate which are trustworthy.  Help the students understand that appeals to our emotions, celebrity endorsements, and even hand-waving arguments should be viewed with skepticism.  The problem is that no one wants to really look at scientific evidence, least of all school children (followed closely by elementary teachers I imagine!)  There is a protocol in scientific research that a scientist should provide detailed descriptions of experiments identifying every possible variable.  Chemists will often include manufacturers of chemicals and model numbers of equipment.  There are statistical tests of validity, which means that valid tests may be run dozens, hundreds, or thousands of times.  Then all of this detail must be combed through by other scientists (reviewers) whose job is to pick apart any claim with potential weakness.  This all before the information is published to the community of scientists who further analyze, comment, compare, and yes repeat the same tests.  So the source is important.  It is hard for a school child to really appreciate that "I read it in the Newspaper" doesn't carry anywhere NEAR the same weight as "I read it in a highly cited article from a peer reviewed journal ."
     Okay, so the point is that it is way more interesting and fun to teach about global warming using anecdotal evidence and pictures than using data from scientific journals.  And yes, you can extract the data, dress it up and point out the source.  But if we need to show the conflicting views on the topic, some views just don't have much beyond anecdotal evidence.  Some views have published data, but not from peer reviewed journals.  Most adults couldn't easily recognize the difference between a well respected and thoroughly reviewed scientific journal and a pseudo-scientific journal funded and published by a politically motivated group writing solely to persuade.  At best a teacher is put in the position of presenting evidence as equally valid which scientifically speaking is not.  In the hands of the  stubbornly contrary teacher, the scientific evidence becomes the boring convoluted mess that is apt to be overlooked amongst the more persuasive brightly colored yet inherently weaker evidence.

The truth of the matter as I understand it is that:

The atmosphere is a complicated system and we cannot predict with great accuracy how our influence on it will manifest itself in the coming months, let alone the coming decades, with great accuracy.

The fact that we cannot know something with certainty is not a good reason to ignore possibility, or likelihood, that a devastating impact is being or has already been made.

The overwhelming majority (greater than 99%) of people who have spent the better part of their adult lives in thoughtful study of the atmosphere and climate either through graduate work or true scientific research, honestly believe that the Earth's atmosphere can be and has been altered by the exponential growth of carbon emissions (including carbon dioxide and methane) caused in part by the growth in human population and energy use.

We can talk about other influences (volcanos and forest fires produce CO2) and the reliability of temperature measurements (most of the thermometers in the world are in the northern hemisphere and near cities which are inherently warmer) and the consequences of warming temperatures (more hurricanes or droughts?  Rising oceans from melting glaciers?  Hotter temperatures or sudden freezing from changing ocean currents?), but to present evidence contrary to the research of the people who have spent their lives studying this in equal weight is irresponsible, confusing, and may end up doing more harm than good in the wrong hands.

I taught in the public school system.  I hated having people (department heads, principals, the district, the state test, etc) micromanage the way I taught.  It was insulting that I could not be trusted at times to provide quality content.  As strongly as I may feel about this content being mis-delivered, I also feel quite strongly that we need to trust our teachers to do what they have been asked to do and provide them with the tools to do it.

Introduction

So this is my initial post.  I am mostly writing for me.  As an introvert, I need a quiet place to sort out my thoughts.  For those of you joining me from cyberspace, welcome to my quiet place!  These moments are rare as any working parent will tell you.  But I need this time, this space to sort out my understanding, beliefs, and ideas.
To understand where I am coming from I will provide a little background.  I have found that I tend to forget that others may have different perceptions of the way the world works.  When I remember, I become hyper-aware of them forgetting we are more alike than different.
I'll start with a pet peeve.  I am Christian.  I hate it when people throw that word around as if it means the same thing to everyone, as in, "I can't do that; I'm a Christian." or "How can you call yourself a Christian if you feel that way?"  I come from the liturgical side of Christianity and we have a creed, or a written statement of faith.  I always thought that all Christians subscribed to the Apostle's or Nicean Creed.  I found out a few years ago that many of the more evangelical or pentecostal faiths do not adopt the creeds because  (as I understand it) the adherents don't what others dictating what they believe.  [That's not to say they wouldn't agree with the creeds, they just don't want others putting words in their mouths]. 
So what kind of Christian am I?  Like most liturgical Christians, my faith is expressed through ritual (church attendance, standard prayers and hymns), traditions, and good works.  Personally, I find service (to church, community, individuals, whatever) to be an important expression of my faith.  Evangelism is not remotely part of my religious background.  I always fear that being too "churchy" will drive people away from God rather than to him.
I am also a scientist.  Another "personality" that gets stereotyped.  I have never met a scientist that could be one of the characters on "the Big Bang Theory."  (though most that I know love the show).  Most are fairly normal looking.  Some are geeky, some are beautiful. They all know how to comb their hair.  Different personalities will be attracted to different fields, and to different types of employment (teaching, research, consulting, etc.).  I don't have enough patience for research alone.  I need feedback.  I am also not aggressive or ambitious, so I'll leave the big research jobs to those who enjoy that.  I love working with people and helping them to understand and enjoy science, so teaching is a perfect fit.  But as I said, I need my quiet time, so middle school and high school teaching did not work out for me.  Now I teach at a college, which I LOVE!

So 6 short years ago, after picking up my diploma at a research university I left a northern state to bring my family to a small Baptist liberal arts school in a southern state.  I feel I am living on the edges of multiple worlds.  I have always worried that my scientific coworkers secretly think I can't be a truly objective scientist because I am Christian.  (Some have hinted at this).  For me, it has never been an issue.  (More on that in later posts).  So now I am at a school where my science skills are appreciated and my faith is encouraged.  But the culture of faith here is so different from what I am used to.  It is so public, in your face.  So evangelical!  Do the people here think I am not Christian enough because I am more private with my faith?  Also, there are many assumptions about what you must believe if you are Christian (both from Christians and Scientists).  I am still sorting out "pervasive ideas" from "vocal minority opinions".  I wonder what ideas about faith and science my students have, and how those ideas color their understanding and affect their beliefs about what I teach in class.  Some professors chat easily with students coming to understand them.  This has never been easy for me, so my quest to understand them is ongoing.

So why corundum?  It is the juxtaposition of two unlike things.  Corundum is a mineral composed primarily of aluminum and oxygen, but has properties very different from either.  It is white, hard, brittle, and not at all shiny.  I use it the lab because it is a ceramic material that can be heated to very high temperatures... it is useful.  It is a crystalline material made from a regular repeating pattern... it is orderly.  Yet it can be treated with (doped with) other elements; very small amounts of impurities can make white alumina (the pure form) change to bright red rubies or colored sapphires... it is beautiful.  That is how my world feels... orderly, complicated, useful, unpredictable, colorful, blended and beautiful.